My name is Kesha Robinson, and I have been listening to your podcast for about a month now and have just been soaking it all in. I went to 2 different churches with Hunter Strength before he became a pastor, so his episode is what initially drew me in. I was just listening to the one with Matt Dudley, and I’m at the point in the podcast where JC is pleading with people to reach out for help if they are struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide. I just had to chime in. My story may be lengthy but please bear with me as I lost my 12 year old son, Carter, to suicide in 2017.
I wasn’t brought up in church but was invited to attend with a friend when I was 13. I had only been going for a few weeks when there was a youth outing at Carowinds. At that outing, I made my first profession of faith by raising my hand to indicate I had said the sinner’s prayer along with the speaker (all youth groups attended a church service at the amusement park amphitheater before breaking off to ride the rides). While I thought all eyes were closed, the Pastor evidently saw my hand go up, because he immediately came to me afterwards and congratulated me and asked if I wanted to follow the Lord in Believer’s Baptism which I did.
I didn’t understand much of anything outside of the fact that I didn’t want to go to hell and I wanted to be good. Obviously being good didn’t last forever- I would kneel by my bathtub and bedside several times after that day and beg God to save me. I was never discipled or mentored as a new convert, so all I knew to do was to fall in line and follow whatever rules the Pastor told me.
After a few years I started visiting another IFB church with my boyfriend, and this was different. The Pastor, Dr. Dennis Carter (whom our son is named after), pulled me aside one day and specifically told me to quit trying to be anyone other than myself (he had seen me I guess trying to change my dress to please him when he knew it wasn’t something I was doing out of the right motive). I took what he said to heart. I was 17 at the time. I struggled with assurance of my salvation throughout my teen years but finally got peace about it in a revival meeting when I was 19 and sat under his ministry for nearly a decade. While I never measured up to the standards he preached, I always knew he loved me, so I don’t have anything negative to say in that regard even though I heard Jack Hyles, John L. Rice, and Lee Robertson referred to often in his sermons in addition to TN Temple University (where he studied). Preacher Carter passed away in 2009. This was a huge loss for many reasons. My husband was the 2nd baby born into that church and it was all he had ever known. He and his brothers were deacons there. After it became apparent that the church wasn’t willing to consider candidates to fill the pulpit, after a year we were led to Mountainview Baptist Church in Cowpens, SC (formerly under Dr. Jimmy Robbins #iykyk). Steven Griffith is my pastor. Nate, you probably know him. Chad’s wife, Brittney, is his niece, (her father, Jeff, who is an IFB pastor in KY, is his brother). I have always appreciated the “old time way” to a degree but I don’t adhere to the traditions and standards that some do and am comfortable and confident in my decisions. This is probably due to some degree with the fact that I went to college, lol. I taught for 15 years in one of the largest public high schools in our state (Dorman), which is cause for another gasp. I sent my kids to public school. Revolutionary! I have always been around “the world” and all its influences so my point of view is different from many who go to my church and who only know one thing/one way.
I struggle so much sometimes with the preaching (not so much from the pastor but from visiting evangelists). The pastor, to be fair, has not always led in a direction that I thought he should but I’ve kept quiet because I feel to do otherwise would be sinful (it’s years worth of preaching about honoring the MoG, I guess). Our church has had its share of sexual abuse allegations and scandals. I almost left after the latest one but because I have memories of my son in that church, and I genuinely love the people there who have been with me in my literal darkest days, I don’t have peace about leaving. Of course, it’s not my decision anyway- if my husband said he thought we should leave, then we would. I do try to be submissive to him. It helps that he’s wise and discerning and respects me.
My son never showed signs of any struggle. He excelled in everything he did and was always smiling. He was popular, adored by his family, and such a truly awesome kid. According to what we now know due to the SLED investigation that was conducted after his passing, his struggle was short-term (lasting 4-6 weeks), only involved himself and a moral dilemma (which on a scale of 1-10 we were told it would have probably been around a 4), and there was no evidence of abuse. After learning these things and being told definitively that his death wasn’t the result of any sexual sin or crisis, we decided not to pursue the actual reason because we want him to rest in peace. We would rather bear the pain of unanswered questions rather than find out the reason because he chose to die rather than share it with us, and we feel it would be disloyal to him.
It’s sad that mental health carries such a stigma, especially in religious circles. Thank you for shining light and offering encouragement in your podcast today.
I am currently in counseling. My first session was yesterday, as a matter of fact. The counselor is Dr. David Cox, and he is also a published author and Christian. He is also the creator of a program called 17 Minutes of Hope that he presents to churches and schools. He is an awesome resource if you know of anyone who may need help. We saw him immediately after our son’s death but life got busy and I didn’t make time for my own mental health like I probably should have.
I have written at length about my experience as a suicide loss survivor in my blog called Love, Loss, and Blue Butterflies. Anytime you come across someone who has unfortunately walked down this path, maybe you could share it with them. If you decide to check it out for yourself, my most recent post was written just last month entitled Treating Trauma.
If you want to hear more of my story or experience, you can call me at 864-237-0277. I will be honored to speak in more detail on behalf of my son, Carter. His story did not end with his passing. I consider it a privilege anytime I get to share about his life. He was saved, and I know that I will see him again.
Just to further illustrate the goodness of God, the morning of his passing I was scheduled for a pre-op appt. that day for a hysterectomy to be performed in 2 days. That surgery never happened. I gave birth to a daughter in 2019 and a son this past October. Beauty from ashes (those accounts are shared in the posts entitled “Irreplaceable” and “Joy in the Morning” on the blog). I’m 39 years old and am learning more about God and His Word now than ever before. There is beauty in healing. Grace and mercy have been extended to me in ways I could never have imagined. I’m so thankful for those who have helped me along the way, and I very much enjoy listening to your podcast. It continues to help and encourage me. Thank you again.
Sincerely,
Kesha Robinson
www.lovelossandbluebutterflies.com