I am from a family of 8. I was born in Michigan, I had a near death experience at 2 years old. I have always struggled with BPD, and always will. I was raised with strict religious fundamentalism as one of 6 children to my parents, we were all homeschooled and kept hidden from most of society. I am not out but my family is way less religious. I was sent to various Bible camps every summer. The worst was Bill Rice Ranch. I went with my younger brother who is deaf. I was molested by a much older camper. I was 13 and he was 18. I didn’t have any self advocacy skills because it was heavily shunned on. I didn’t say anything but I did whatever I could think of to convince my parents I didn’t want to go the next year. My deaf brother and baby sister went. The same guy tried to rape my deaf brother. Everything was covered up. Forgive and move on. I already had severe depression and suicidal ideation, and this made it so much worse. I was so confused and thought I was gay(still have no idea). I decided I would choose to be happy and come out as gay. My parents told me i should stay in closet, and I tried that. It didn’t help, now this is unrelated but I had worked odd jobs since 14, full time since 19(I’m 28 now), and have always given most of my money to my parents and even now I mortgaged a house and most of us still live here. Back to the hay thing, I was lead guitarist in a mega church and the youth pastor discovered I shared a pro gay marriage image on Facebook and wanted to chat. It all came out, I think I’m gay and I want to be happy. He suggest exodus international and kicked me from the band but pleaded with me to stay. I didn’t stay and my folks said “I told you this would happen” no support. But that was my out. I never had to go to church again. I have never felt so abandoned, I felt like an abomination and I still struggle heavily with my sexuality. I later thought I was transgender and maybe that would fix me. I did that for a year and was a little bit happier for a time, I felt accepted by the community. Then I went to a camp for trans adults and quickly found out I am nothing like these people. The leader of the pack was dogmatic in that we are a commodity and should never have sex unless we get paid. I felt so defeated and around the same time my job I’d been at since 19 was shutting down and moving south of the border. I tried to kill myself, but I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt like and have always felt like I do not belong. I am still with my family and I recently found out they weren’t really paying the mortgage in my name and my credit is ruined. I want to evict them but they threatened to put me back in a mental hospital if I do. I have tried explaining my side so many times but their minds are closed. So my most recent plan was to stop paying them anything. I told them if they want the house to pay for it while I make an escape plan. Today it’s thanksgiving and I haven’t been eating anything because it’s the easiest way to hurt my moms feelings. Meanwhile my job was taking advantage of me so hard that I am so burned out. I can’t afford the health insurance at my job and they already take taxes from an ambulance I took a few years ago. I feel like a prisoner on earth. I wish I could go live somewhere by myself and never talk to another human ever again.
