I grew up deeply rooted in IFB churches. My dad was an IFB preacher and pastored a few churches during his ministry. When my dad attended Bible college at Tabernacle, my mom and I wore skirts. I was very young at this point. My dad and brother kept short haircuts and always donning their “best” for Sunday services. We moved back to WV where my Dad pastored a few different churches. My mom continued to wear skirts for awhile until one day she just didn’t. I was not forced into wearing skirts anymore either. She also began to stop going to church altogether. At first, there were excuses then it was just expected. My parents began to fight a lot. I’ll spare you the gory details of all that. Let’s just say I have more memories of feeling tense at all times waiting for a fight to break out than happy family memories. I was 13 years old when my parents decided to call it quits. I will never forget the night they told my brother and myself. My world was completely shattered. I felt totally and utterly lost.
My dad was completely shunned by the world he had invested his whole life in. People he once called friends would no longer speak to him and refused to help him in his darkest hour. Countless people walked away from us as a family due to my parents divorce. My dad completely broken and excommunicated began to make poor decisions and in turn I began to make incredibly poor decisions as well. He got out of church for many years and drifted away from his faith. This led to a lot of heartache, guilt, and grief that’s still being dealt with til this day. My Dad still has yet to forgive himself for the decisions he made and contends with them to this very day even though he has made amends with the Lord. In IFB circles you must keep your sins ever before you to keep yourself in check and remind yourself how much of a dirty rotten sinner you are. (Insert eye roll)
My Bible says that He casts our sins as far as the east is from the west and they are remembered no more. When we are saved/ forgiven we are covered by the righteousness of Jesus.
Back to the story, my brother began attending an IFB church right down the road from where we lived in Pax, WV. He attended faithfully and began serving in the church. I hopped from church to church all the while secretly in sin. He invited me more times than I can count and I finally went. I was there for about 7 years. I attended the revivals, camp meetings, services, etc.. getting my heart “right” then returning to sin.. because I was doing under a mandmade conviction not a Holy Spirit one. I served in my church and did all the things a good Christian girl was supposed to do but was still chained to my sin. Fast forward to 18 years old and I met my now husband. My Dad begins to slowly get back into church and life couldn’t have been better! My brother, my dad (his wife), and myself were all back in church again together after so many years of hurting and feeling alone!
I married my husband at 20 years old and we began attending this church faithfully. Still doing all the things we knew to do and for awhile life was grand. But slowly we began to notice we weren’t growing. We were hearing the same “talking points” over and over. Next thing we knew we were looking for any reason not to go. Finally we got up the nerve to leave. We found a church that we would attend for 2.5 years until the Pastor moved to another local church where we attended and were afraid it was too legalistic like what we had already left behind us. We made the horrible mistake of joining an extremely liberal “church” aka a cult where they would take one verse out of the Bible and make it say whatever fit their narrative. There were so many red flags while we attended here but we didn’t know where else to go.. it was this or back to legalism. There was no in between. Finally we knew we had to do something, we couldn’t sit under these teachings any longer. We went back to the church where our Pastor friend was and gave it another try. Surprisingly a lot had changed in the 3 years we were gone. They had let a lot of the “tradition” go and built itself more on what the Bible truly says.
My Dad and brother still attend the little country church in Pax, WV. My mom still does not attend. I am the black sheep of my family. My dad and I have tried to talk about these things but it always ends up with him being upset and me being hurt. So we just avoid it basically. (Super healthy, I know) We share small things about our “church” lives with one another but never get into much doctrine. His view of Christ is skewed by the IFB movement and I pray one day his eyes will be opened.
I have learned to lean on Christ alone for all of life’s problems. He’s the only one who’ll never leave or forsake. He is faithful and a good Father who loves me and doesn’t want to beat me down into submission. I draw a lot of encouragement from Preacher Craig Edwards who at one time I had the privilege of sitting under at camp meetings/ revivals at our old church. Now I watch his sermons online which in turn led me to this podcast. Anytime he would come to WV my husband and I would try to attend a service. We have the utmost respect for him and all that he has done. He continues to encourage us with the way he lives out his walk with Christ.
Typing this out and reading it has made me realize that there have been many times in my life where I’ve cried out to God to forgive me of my sins but later on in life going back to the very thing I’d asked forgiveness for. Does this mean I’m unsaved?
I feel the Holy Spirit speak to me when I read the Word and listen to sermons. When I pray sometimes I can feel His very presence. When I sing worship music there are times I imagine I’m singing directly to Him and I can feel His presence. There are many things that make me think I’m saved. But I’m always afraid that I just didn’t do it right and that I’ll get to heavens gate and he’ll say depart from me I never knew you… what an incredibly scary thought.
There have been countless time in my life I’ve asked God to forgive me and for Jesus to save me but was I under Holy Ghost conviction or emotion? I am not the same person I was but I still struggle with the flesh (anger, resentment, etc.).. so many times I tell myself I’m going to put my trust in the finished work of Christ and be done with questioning it. But there’s always that nagging thought in the back of mind, what if?
Sorry this was so long. It could have been way longer if I had given more in depth details but tried to keep it as short as possible. (I’m not great at summarization)
Thanks for your time,
Ashley S.