I have recently started listening to the RF podcast and I love it so much. My parents, some cousins, and I are struggling a little bit with the church we now go to, to support my brother and his wife (preachers daughter) and a handful of my family now goes there. For context I am a 21 year old female who goes to college and works. I grew up in the church and it was important for my family to go. We started out at a Methodist church, where my brother and I were involved in many youth group activities and went on mission trips as well. I always loved going on the mission trips to meet new people, share the gospel, and give back to the community we were serving. I thought I was always going to be good with God. But something always seemed to lack. I always knew God and would read my Bible and go to YoungLife in High School and do the most to get the joyous feeling that everyone around me seemed to be having. I did dable in worldly things and I still struggle with some as well. I lost my virginity at a young age. Not that I wanted to but because the guy I was with said that’s the only way he would love me. I need approval and to please everyone around me besides my God or myself. That is the biggest regret I ever have. And it still hurts me to this day. My nanny (my mom’s mom) helped me a lot with my faith. She never judged but I also hinted around the bush of that and she would tell me things she went through and would always encourage me to keep going because I have a reason and a plan. God had plans for me. My dads parents were traditional but not in the way of wearing dresses all the time just old fashioned? But judgemental but would try to encourage me but seemed like it wasn’t sincere or they wouldn’t listen. My dad nor my mom talked about God or any current events in the house. But my nanny would help me and she continues to do so.   She gave me a New Translation Version Bible, with a flowery covering that I still have to this day. But was discouraged of it because it was not King James. My brother and I had a good relationship growing up. Of course we fought but that was a part of it. He married the preachers daughter last August and they’re coming up on their 1st anniversary. Her family is all traditional in clothing ways, but they wear makeup and cut/dye their hair sometimes. My parents and I have a hard time letting my brother go. He took to their family and they took to him. We barely see him anymore besides church and we try to conform our true selves to match them. He gave me the KJV study Bible and I love it I try to emerge my self in scripture everyday, but should read passages and study and memorize than just reading and highlighting. In hopes him and his wife will come around more. He had a past before this life, (nothing awful but typical teen/ early adult behavior and I know some of his secrets) and it seems like he left us behind with it. He claims he didn’t but that’s not how it feels. I can’t joke with him anymore. I never see him, and it definitely hurts my parents and grandparents. I just want a relationship with my brother and and my sister in law. I’ve always dreamed of my brothers wife being my best friend, but it doesn’t seem too likely in the near future. I was so close to conforming completely but they challenged myself and what I knew MY God to be. I’m going through a season of confusion especially with my age and the way I chose to live. I live with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. I know it’s taboo but honestly it seems to work for me and us. He questions why I still go to this church because I come home crying because my brother didn’t talk to me or I didn’t agree with what the message said. He doesn’t discourage me and my faith, I am trying to help him as well. My brother once said to me that God wouldn’t bless christian (my boyfriend) and I living together, but it has been nothing but  blessings. I count it all as blessings growing pains, stress all of it. I still struggle financially but christian supports me as I go through school. I stay positive for my soul and the knowledge of what Jesus has put in front of me. Christian has the means to do it and I chip in when I can and keep the house clean, orderly and full of food and positivity. I’m an optimist I always have been. 2020 pushed my closer to Jesus and my spirituality but also to nature. I’m trying to figure out who I am and what I am supposed to do with my life that will please not only God but everyone around me. I’m the peace maker. The people pleaser and it gets exhausting. I love my mom, but since this happened with my brother it seems I bare both hurts because I’m an empath. The preacher once said the MAN of the house should lead you to God… but my dad didn’t. And I don’t blame him for it even though he grew up in a stricter church than I. We went to church, but it was always the women in my family encouraging me, showing me. And leading the way. I’m struggling fighting worldly things and also the approval of man and it’s getting to my head and my heart and all I want is Jesus, truly. My mom thinks my brother is struggling as well because he is starting to see the legalistic behavior, but chooses to do so silently. I don’t want him to struggle silently and I don’t want them to bash him or make him feel worthless if he does question things. He has seen both sides of the table. I understand that when you’re saved you’re a new person in Christ. But i didn’t know you became so judgmental of your own family. Makes me take a step back. I want to wear pants to church but super scared to. I already have my nose pierced with a little stud but it does not define me. I have become best friends with Jesus before but because of this I have felt lost and broken for questioning certain things. Especially now that I’m an “adult” (ew) I need the guidance of my peers and others of the church to help me. But I’m too afraid to ask. I continue to go to my nanny and my mom now for support as well as my dads parents. They’ve gotten a little better at empathizing but I can’t bring myself to tell them my full story or stand up for myself because I’m scared of disappointment and rejection. That’s why my boyfriend has waited so long to propose because he’s scared of my brother and his wife. He loves my nanny, he’s grown to love my mom and dad but still needs some time to grow. Im sorry I’m rambling. Im not sure if it all made sense.  But thank you for your podcast it’s helping us but also scaring us to break away from this church. I don’t know where to go. Y’all encourage me and keep my heart open to the lord and scripture. I will never give up on this journey because God will not give up on me.